Things are rough...

I don't know what it is about this week but it's been extremely hard.

I've had a hard time with a child at work. Usually I'm pretty good at building relationships with the children where we respect each other. There is this one boy though, who just won't let me in. He's defiant, disrespectful, mean, aggressive, hurtful and just rude. Even though I keep on giving and trying with him. On Wednesday he just got the best of me and made me cry(Not in front of him of course). I just was at the end of my rope for that day. I had to write up reports on him for his mom and the next few days he's been calm, fair and reasonable. I made sure to tell him that I could really see that he was trying to control his anger. He couldn't believe that I could tell and said he was trying really hard. I'm hoping it's one step forward.

Sleeping has been so difficult this week. I go to bed and just lie there awake. When I listen for John to fall asleep and I begin to cry. I'm crying because I miss Andi so much...and it hurts so much and I just can't stop thinking what if... I also just wished for some kind of sign that Andrianna is ok.

Well that leads me to another Andi story....

Quite a few years ago when I had hurt my foot and was stuck at home for 5 weeks, I was quite depressed and bored. I couldn't wait for John to get back home to the condo because I couldn't do anything really and wasn't supposed to walk, just rest and elevate my leg. It was really lonely. Well some how this ladybug got into the condo and it became a joke that this ladybug was my only friend. Andrianna and John would both make fun of me...saying that at least I had this ladybug to keep me company. When Andrianna was in the hospital in her last days, sometimes I just couldn't bare to just sit there and watch her slowly leaving us. I would go down the hall to the stairwell and sit on the stairs in between floors by the window. Around the window there must have been about a dozen or so ladybugs. John came to sit with me and we would just watch these ladybugs. Then John mentioned that maybe one of them was my friend, the ladybug from the condo. We laughed and I knew Andi would have laughed too. Well this week just after it's been crazy freezing cold outside, I went to the window where I always say goodnight to Andi (where the shadow of a skull is) and what's on the windowsill but a ladybug. The first thing I thought was that it's a dead ladybug but I've gone to this window daily and that ladybug wasn't there before! Maybe I just didn't pay attention. So I shoved the ladybug with my finger and it starts crawling. Maybe that was my sign...that she's alright.

Kyle and Kaylee are coming over on Sunday to play and we're very excited. My mom and John's parents are also coming later on in the evening for dinner. It will definitely be nice to have kids in the house again. I know Andi wasn't a 'kid' but her friends would all come over and hang out and play Rock Band or Guitar Hero. I miss that. Anyways John decided we needed toys in the house so he stopped by Toys R Us and bought some surprises for the kids to play with when they get here. It will be fun! I was planning on taking them outside to play but then this cold weather came back! Arghhhh! It will be fun anyways.

Since we're having company tomorrow I decided I should clean up a bit. The house really isn't a mess and I was just going to do the basics but that didn't go as planned. I started cleaning everything! In the midst of cleaning I found so much of Andrianna around. She was like that she would leave a little bit of her things everywhere. In the bathroom I found a toothbrush, old hair clips, a hair band, and the toothpaste she liked. In my living room I found old pictures of us in Poland, her huge smiles or making a goofy face! ( Like this picture to the left with her 3rd cousin Kuba)In the foyer I found this bag hanging on a hanger and found a pair of her jeans. I think I did more crying then cleaning...Andi is everywhere. I don't want to get away from her. I just don't want to miss her so much...hurt so much...feel so much. I just want her here.