Today was the first time I have laughed...really really laughed, laughed so hard I was crying before Andi's passing. For myself it's very easy to see the good things in my life, I definitely see them...feeling them is another story. Since Andrianna passing I haven't been or just wasn't willing or wasn't ready to feel any kind of happiness about anything. Today at work though I was laughing so hard with my co-workers about the silliest things like we were school kids! 
The last belly laugh I had before that was with Andrianna...she was in the hospital and we had already been told that the doctors were stopping treatment and there was nothing more they could do. My sister would phone to see what Andrianna needed for the evening and at times would say with great panic and worry, "Is everything alright?" One night after hearing it Andi and I started to create (now that I think of it morbid) answers to the question. Things like..."Well mom, I'm sorry to tell you but they say I have cancer" or " They found out the tumor is an alien baby living in my back" ( I would then use my creepy voice to echo..."Let me out, let me out, I'm ready to come live with you on the outside"). My mom walked in on us talking like this and thought we were completely nuts. I just kept on thinking that we were laughing in the face of cancer, in the face of death, and we felt so free. That was so much a part of my relationship with Andrianna, we laughed all the time about everything and anything. I was so lucky to have that and I will carry it with me always.
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