New Year....hmmmm. I don't think I like that word, after all what's wrong with old. I kinda like how things used to be. I really was looking forward to spending New Year's Eve with lots of people so that I wouldn't have to remember so much, so I wouldn't cry so much and so I wouldn't feel so alone. Now here I am all alone. It's no one's fault really and I know that but somehow things just turn out negatively for me. Lately everything I've wished for, asked for, prayed for or just even thought of...the exact opposite has happened. It's like there's something fighting against me and I don't know what. Maybe I just need to hit bottom... I just don't know what bottom is.

Well enough of the negative, I will try to remain positive. So what if I'm alone tonight or any night really. I'm a strong woman and I need to start acting the part. I do not need to be validated by anyone ( although it's nice every once in awhile). I can really do what I want, be what I want and go after what I want, rather then compromising myself all the time.

Andrianna...if you can here me, I miss you so much. This year, the next year, and all the ones that are coming will never be the same without you. You will remain in my heart forever and everyone I know and will come to know will get to know you through me. You will continue to touch everyone's lives just like you always have. Most of all I will never forget all the love you gave. I love you...more.

There are so many people around me that believe so strongly in God and all his strength, his capabilities and the greatness he has in store for us. There is so much wrong in this world I wonder how people continue to believe. Is it because they need something to hang on to? Possibly the thought of there being nothing beyond what there is now is unsettling and we want to believe that there is more. I'm not sure what the answer is. What kind of relationship do I have with God?

I grew up catholic, believing in God and the church. I went to church every Sunday morning with my grandmother, mother and sister. (My grandfather and father went to church only on special occasions...Easter, Christmas, Weddings, Funerals) I attended catechism every Saturday for an hour to learn about God and the bible. I believed that God gave us a guardian angel to watch over us and help us through the difficult times. Each night I ended the day praying to God and thanking him for everyone and everything in my life. Somewhere along the way though something changed and I'm not sure when that happened.

Growing up my father was an alcoholic and my mom submissive to his angry wrath. Where was God then? They separated when I was 15. God wasn't there for me during this time either. I remember being sexually abused from the time I was 3 or 4 years old to the time I was 15. God didn't prevent that from happening to one of his children. When I was strong enough to deal with the abuse and took my abuser to court, the jury found there wasn't enough evidence. Where was God's help there? My abuser continues to be a huge part of the church...why does God continue to let that happen? My 18 year old niece, who was giving, selfless, thoughtful and didn't even have the chance to do any wrong is taken away from our family and still no God. I don't understand it, but I'm trying to and want to.

My mom strongly believes in God. In a discussion we had about me being abused as a child she mentioned that God gave man freewill. That it isn't God's fault that what he did with his own freewill was wrong. Then take the freewill back! So many people feel Andrianna around them, feel she's safe with God, that she's given them signs. Why don't I? I try to grasp at things. The doorbell has rung 3 times without anyone being there and we joked that it was Andrianna. I want to believe she's around me...that she can hear me talking to her. I need to see it to believe it though. Maybe not physically see it but somehow recognize that she's here. And I don't. Of course she's here in my thoughts, in my heart and I'm flooded with memories of her.

I suppose I can talk forever about why. I'm the kind of person who likes answers. If no one knows the answer I try to find them. I'm just not satisfied with part stories or part answers. Is that why it's so hard for me to believe in God? I guess I will just keep searching for the answer....

Things didn't start off too well this Christmas day. This morning at 5 am I had to go to the bathroom and was walking down the stairs and slipped, hitting my back on the stairs and then landing on my butt on the tile floor at the bottom. I somehow also got rug burn on my elbow in the process. Needless to say my back is bruised and my tailbone is in excruciating pain. Now it's 11p.m. at night and I'm still in pain but not only my back but everywhere. I feel like a complete klutz!

John and I spent the morning relaxing and then we started to rebuild the computer. Nothing special really. The computer has been acting up lately and running really slow so we thought it was time to clean it out and reinstall everything.

Memories are flooding my thoughts, my heart, my whole being. I'm trying really hard to remain in control and to not break down. I miss her but the pain is so hard to work through, so hard to manage. I just want to crawl into bed and hide beneath my blankets and not come out. I feel guilty carrying on, like I'm somehow betraying her. I want to believe in so many things but I just don't know what to believe in anymore. I want to believe she can hear me talking to her. that she's around me and that she shares what I'm feeling. To tell you the truth though I don't know what to believe in anymore. I don't even know if I believe in God anymore either, but that discussion is for another day...my complicated relationship with God that is.

In the afternoon we went over to John's parents for Christmas dinner. It was sooo delicious! I love turkey. John and I had bought dessert from Goodies and they were delicious as well. We opened gifts, played cards and had an enjoyable evening. I did my best to be as comfortable as possible but as the night progressed so did the pain in my back.

Well it's Christmas Eve and things didn't really start off really well. Without mentioning names I just want to say that people need to be careful about what they say and how they say things to others. I was really hurt today and didn't know what I did to deserve it. I dislike hurtful people. I don't understand what satisfaction you get from being hurtful. That's all I want to say about that!

We started a different Christmas Eve tradition this year. What has happened in the last 5 years is that Christmas Eve dinner was at our place. I would make a huge dinner and we'd all stuff ourselves and then it was game time. We would play a few games and then we would open our Christmas gifts. Andrianna would want to make margaritas...this would have been the first Christmas she actually would have been able to have an alcoholic margarita! I suppose she could have previously but I wouldn't let her until she turned 18. We'd make this huge strawberry mess in my kitchen. This year we (John, myself, my mom, my sister, and Bobby) went out for dinner. We said we would go out every year. It was a nice evening but had to start really early because most restaurants closed before supper. I did find one restaurant that stayed open until 7:30. The food was alright but really nothing to rave about.

We talked, we laughed, we remembered Andrianna...it was very nice. This is our first year without Andi, so it was especially nice to be worry and stress free. I didn't want to have to worry about making dinner and all the fixings. I didn't even want to go out shopping this year. I finally forced myself yesterday...very last minute. I somehow managed to get everything I needed.

Tomorrow John and I are heading over to his parents place. Life just keeps on going...that's the saddest of all. I almost want to just preserve everything as it was when Andi was here. It's extremely heart breaking to carry on. The hardest thing I've ever had to do.

A different Christmas

Imagine one of the most important people in your life. Now picture not being able to spend the holidays with them. Now picture not being able to ever spend another holiday with them ever again. Christmas will definitely never be the same.

I know that it's going to be hard for my whole family during the holidays. That is why I suggested that we do something different for Christmas, make a new tradition. We can always hold in our hearts what we shared with Andrianna at Christmas time, but this Christmas as well as every Christmas to come will never be the same.

Andrianna loved family time. She almost always wanted to play some kind of board game. She just wanted to be together and spend time together, she loved having people around her.

This year I suggested that we go out for dinner on Christmas Eve, to keep it simple. Of course not many places are open late on Christmas Eve. I did find one place that is open until 7:30 p.m. I invited Bobby as well (Andrianna's fiance). I know he's struggling just like the rest of us and I thought he might want to come out. I'm glad he accepted my invitation.

I know I write a lot about Andrianna...she's constantly on my mind, and in my heart.

Today we went over to The Campbells for our yearly Christmas get together. I wasn't in much of a mood to go shopping this year and John is never in a mood so of course it was left to the last minute. So at 12 p.m. today right when Toys R Us opened we went shopping for Kyle and Kaylee. We lucked out and they loved the gifts! Sometimes procrastinating works out.

It was a nice evening...we're so lucky to have good friends.

I have so many regrets. I'd like to learn how to live without any regrets. How do you live without any regrets? I wonder if I could have done more for my niece Andrianna. Could I have researched more...asked more questions...was more aggressive to find the answers? It just seemed like there was a wall every time I would ask too many questions. Like the answer was always, "Everything that could be done, was done." I honestly don't think I did enough. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. Somehow I feel like I have let Andrianna down. The day before she passed she was having a tough time breathing and she grabbed my arm and was pointing to her throat and motioning up and down. I asked her, "Are you having a hard time breathing?" She shook her head "yes" so hard. She had already lost the ability to talk. I was so scared and I ran to get a nurse to ease her discomfort. I keep replaying this same scene in my mind. Is dying the way she did somewhat like drowning...where you can't speak and can't breath? They gave her more drugs and that seemed to ease her discomfort.

I also wonder if it was the cancer that killed her or if she died of an overdose of pain meds. They were pumping her with so many pain meds non stop. It's like she was doped up too much.

I didn't really get anytime alone with her. Everyone was visiting or sitting in the room with her. In the end it was too much for me, watching my full of life niece lay there lifeless...it wasn't really her. My whole body is just aching from thinking about this all. I can really feel my heart break, I think about it all the time and don't think that I will ever "get past" this. I will never again say that to someone who has lost someone close to them....it will never get easier. Time will not heal this wound.

So everyone seems to be blogging these days, so I thought I would join the trend. I suppose it's a good way of getting out your thoughts, feelings and all the other stuff that sometimes seems to get stuck in your mind.

So much has changed since November 5, 2008. On that day my beautiful niece passed away and my life has never felt more empty. I found a quote that sums up exactly how I feel,

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." Edna St. Vincent Millay

Throughout her illness, I didn't once think that she would be gone. I truely believed that she would make it through. She was 18 years old and had amazing strength and determination. She LIVED every day and I just couldn't even fathom it. This could be why I'm having such a difficult time right now accepting that she's gone.
I loved spending time with her. I'm glad that I was able to take time off of work to be able to spend some time with her. It wasn't enough...there never seems to be enough time. I would wait every morning for her to call me to let me know that she was awake and I could come at any time. I would always ask her if she wanted me to bring her anything and she would always say, " Ummmmmmm, you could bring me a _______." She loved slurpees, usually a cream soda and Dr. Pepper or a Pepsi one. She loved them all the time but would drink most of it when it was melted. It would drive me crazy but I just laughed at it.
I would get to her hospital room and almost always she had a smile for me. We'd spend the days doing various things and sometimes nothing at all. On the days she felt really good we'd go for walks and go shopping. Shopping was our thing...we loved going to stores together and buying clothes or whatever. She'd pick black clothes with skulls on them and for the longest time I spent countless words trying to convince her to wear something more girly, of course it didn't work. All she had so say was, "Ciooooocia." I would give in and buy the black item with the skull on it.


In the last few weeks we bought these great hats from the hospital gift shop. I will post a picture that I took with my cellphone.

I miss her phonecall in the morning, her smiles, absolutely everything!
Every goodbye I would say "I love you" and she would respond "I love you too" (saying too in a high pitched child like voice). I would then say, "I love you more..." and she would say, "I love you more."
I miss telling her I love her....