It sure has been a long time since I've been here. There is a lot to catch up on. I'm not sure what pulled me away from the blog other than being busy with life. Some people might think that the blog helped me heal and that I didn't need it anymore. I don't think I will ever heal from Andrianna's passing, time does not heal all wounds.

I was blessed with a beautiful daughter on April 3, 2010. If she wasn't here, I don't think I would be. She gives me every reason to live. Prior to Andi's passing Andi told me she would bring me a baby, a baby girl. I truly believe that somehow she had a hand in this but I'm not sure how. I suppose anything is possible.

On the most recent anniversary of Andi's passing, my daughter Claire Andi had many questions about her cousin's passing. I didn't know how to answer because how is a 3 year old supposed to even begin to understand the concept of death? I tried to be as honest as possible. She asked me how Andi died. She asked me where she was. She asked me if I missed her. She told me she missed her too. She asked if Andi knows about her and thinks about her. She asked if she could go to where Andi lives because she thought a kiss from her would wake her up and bring her back. ( She loves Snow White and this is how Snow White came back to life of course). She takes so much to heart and just wants to help everywhere she can. Just like Andi did.

Happy Birthday Andrianna. This would have been the perfect cake! You know I would have made if for you too! I loved celebrating your birthday, you always got so excited. It's been extremely hard missing you so much, not having you here. It's not getting easier, and today is especially hard. Everything is not the same without you here. There is so much that I want to share with you...so very much. Right about now you'd be jealous of my DSi and I'd be getting you one for your birthday...the black one of course not blue like mine. We'd do fireworks, possibly at the cabin and have a BBQ...John's Lemon Chicken for sure. It's just not the same....

You would have been 19 today.

Ciocia loves ya....love ya more too!

It's hard to describe what I'm going through right now. Things have been extremely difficult learning about someone close getting the news of cancer. I know the hurt and I know how difficult things will eventually get and there is nothing that I can do to help. You can be there for someone, have a shoulder ready to cry on, and do things for them. The one thing that they really want...you can't help with.
I keep thinking of the pain Andrianna went through. All the pain. Here she was given this huge battle to fight and they just seemed to keep piling up on her. I just wanted to take that pain away for her and I couldn't even do that.
I'm a complete mess right now writing, crying and trying to find answers to things I most likely will never find answers to.

Things are rough...

I don't know what it is about this week but it's been extremely hard.

I've had a hard time with a child at work. Usually I'm pretty good at building relationships with the children where we respect each other. There is this one boy though, who just won't let me in. He's defiant, disrespectful, mean, aggressive, hurtful and just rude. Even though I keep on giving and trying with him. On Wednesday he just got the best of me and made me cry(Not in front of him of course). I just was at the end of my rope for that day. I had to write up reports on him for his mom and the next few days he's been calm, fair and reasonable. I made sure to tell him that I could really see that he was trying to control his anger. He couldn't believe that I could tell and said he was trying really hard. I'm hoping it's one step forward.

Sleeping has been so difficult this week. I go to bed and just lie there awake. When I listen for John to fall asleep and I begin to cry. I'm crying because I miss Andi so much...and it hurts so much and I just can't stop thinking what if... I also just wished for some kind of sign that Andrianna is ok.

Well that leads me to another Andi story....

Quite a few years ago when I had hurt my foot and was stuck at home for 5 weeks, I was quite depressed and bored. I couldn't wait for John to get back home to the condo because I couldn't do anything really and wasn't supposed to walk, just rest and elevate my leg. It was really lonely. Well some how this ladybug got into the condo and it became a joke that this ladybug was my only friend. Andrianna and John would both make fun of me...saying that at least I had this ladybug to keep me company. When Andrianna was in the hospital in her last days, sometimes I just couldn't bare to just sit there and watch her slowly leaving us. I would go down the hall to the stairwell and sit on the stairs in between floors by the window. Around the window there must have been about a dozen or so ladybugs. John came to sit with me and we would just watch these ladybugs. Then John mentioned that maybe one of them was my friend, the ladybug from the condo. We laughed and I knew Andi would have laughed too. Well this week just after it's been crazy freezing cold outside, I went to the window where I always say goodnight to Andi (where the shadow of a skull is) and what's on the windowsill but a ladybug. The first thing I thought was that it's a dead ladybug but I've gone to this window daily and that ladybug wasn't there before! Maybe I just didn't pay attention. So I shoved the ladybug with my finger and it starts crawling. Maybe that was my sign...that she's alright.

Kyle and Kaylee are coming over on Sunday to play and we're very excited. My mom and John's parents are also coming later on in the evening for dinner. It will definitely be nice to have kids in the house again. I know Andi wasn't a 'kid' but her friends would all come over and hang out and play Rock Band or Guitar Hero. I miss that. Anyways John decided we needed toys in the house so he stopped by Toys R Us and bought some surprises for the kids to play with when they get here. It will be fun! I was planning on taking them outside to play but then this cold weather came back! Arghhhh! It will be fun anyways.

Since we're having company tomorrow I decided I should clean up a bit. The house really isn't a mess and I was just going to do the basics but that didn't go as planned. I started cleaning everything! In the midst of cleaning I found so much of Andrianna around. She was like that she would leave a little bit of her things everywhere. In the bathroom I found a toothbrush, old hair clips, a hair band, and the toothpaste she liked. In my living room I found old pictures of us in Poland, her huge smiles or making a goofy face! ( Like this picture to the left with her 3rd cousin Kuba)In the foyer I found this bag hanging on a hanger and found a pair of her jeans. I think I did more crying then cleaning...Andi is everywhere. I don't want to get away from her. I just don't want to miss her so much...hurt so much...feel so much. I just want her here.

Belly Laughs....

Today was the first time I have laughed...really really laughed, laughed so hard I was crying before Andi's passing. For myself it's very easy to see the good things in my life, I definitely see them...feeling them is another story. Since Andrianna passing I haven't been or just wasn't willing or wasn't ready to feel any kind of happiness about anything. Today at work though I was laughing so hard with my co-workers about the silliest things like we were school kids!

The last belly laugh I had before that was with Andrianna...she was in the hospital and we had already been told that the doctors were stopping treatment and there was nothing more they could do. My sister would phone to see what Andrianna needed for the evening and at times would say with great panic and worry, "Is everything alright?" One night after hearing it Andi and I started to create (now that I think of it morbid) answers to the question. Things like..."Well mom, I'm sorry to tell you but they say I have cancer" or " They found out the tumor is an alien baby living in my back" ( I would then use my creepy voice to echo..."Let me out, let me out, I'm ready to come live with you on the outside"). My mom walked in on us talking like this and thought we were completely nuts. I just kept on thinking that we were laughing in the face of cancer, in the face of death, and we felt so free. That was so much a part of my relationship with Andrianna, we laughed all the time about everything and anything. I was so lucky to have that and I will carry it with me always.

My Mother...

I wrote about my father and I thought I should write about my mother as she is so important in my life, if not the most important person in my life. She would probably kill me if she knew I was writing about her and would be even more upset if I posted a picture of her...but I'm going to do it anyways!
My mom and I are close. When I was dealing with issues steming from being abused as a child it caused a rift in our relationship but she never gave up on me. She didn't even know I was being abused...she just knew that I was very angry about something and she was my scapegoat for that anger. I'm glad that we made it through that period. Other than that big bump we remain close.
I admire my mother for so many reasons. She moved to Canada when she was 18 (actually turned 18 on the boat to Canada) without finishing her education or knowing any english. She moved here on her own without any of her immediate family. An uncle that was living in Canada had come to Poland and had offered one of her brothers a ticket to move to Canada. Her brother's said no, so my mom said she would like to go. She got a job and taught herself english by watching television. She met my father, got married and got pregnant within a year of arriving to Canada. My mom always did what she had to do, so we wouldn't do without. When I was growing up my mom never talked about her childhood in Poland. She started telling me more and more stories more recently and it's like I'm getting to know a whole different side of her. If you ever get a chance to talk to my mom, you'll realize she's full of wisdom and knowledge that no education could have taught her. She's amazingly strong in spirit, her beliefs, and coping with pain. I don't know what I'd do without her...

I know that Andrianna's passing has placed a huge void in my mother's heart. I'm barely coping myself but I wish I knew what to do to help her along. I feel like she's trying to distance herself away from me, or maybe it's just that she's going into hibernation to deal with all this pain. Andrianna and my mom were very close, they spent so much time together. My mom was the best Babcia ever.

I'm very fortunate to have the mother I do. She accepts me for who I am and what I do, even though she doesn't always agree with my decisions. Oh and she makes the most amazing perogies and thanks to her I do too!

What's normal anymore...

When something traumatic happens in your life you really begin to do abnormal things. I think I already mentioned the doorbell incident and saying it was Andrianna wanting to come in. What would make me think that? Is that even normal? Her ghost came down and rang my doorbell, just so I would open the door, find no one there and think it was her. Anyone normal would think I was crazy. It's that 'grasping on to things' again. Here's another thing I used as something to grasp on to because it's hard to face the reality. When Andrianna passed away I remember coming home that night and looking out the window at the landing overlooking the back yard. I was thinking in my head please give me a sign that Andrianna is here...and eventually I noticed what looks to be like the top of a skull (with the eyes showing) poking itself between branches of the shadow of a tree on the snow in my backyard. I'm logical...I know what the shadow is. My neighbors have a clothes line and it's the circle part casting a shadow. (like the picture to the left) I know it...and yet I still go to the window every night and talk to, or cry, or whisper or just stare at that shadow that looks like a skull. ( In case anyone didn't know Andrianna loved skulls...anything with a skull on it.) Am I insane? Nope...just grasping onto something to keep me sane I suppose. So this evening I decide I'm going to take a picture of this tree shadow and post it on here. Of course it didn't turn out too good because I'm taking the picture through a window and it's too cold to go outside. The shadow picture is on the right here.

I think it's okay to grasp onto something, whatever it is as long as it's helping you through. I grasp onto my friends when I need to, my family, a shadow, bells ringing, checking facebook to see what people have written on Andrianna's pages...anything that will get me through this little piece of hell.