There are so many people around me that believe so strongly in God and all his strength, his capabilities and the greatness he has in store for us. There is so much wrong in this world I wonder how people continue to believe. Is it because they need something to hang on to? Possibly the thought of there being nothing beyond what there is now is unsettling and we want to believe that there is more. I'm not sure what the answer is. What kind of relationship do I have with God?

I grew up catholic, believing in God and the church. I went to church every Sunday morning with my grandmother, mother and sister. (My grandfather and father went to church only on special occasions...Easter, Christmas, Weddings, Funerals) I attended catechism every Saturday for an hour to learn about God and the bible. I believed that God gave us a guardian angel to watch over us and help us through the difficult times. Each night I ended the day praying to God and thanking him for everyone and everything in my life. Somewhere along the way though something changed and I'm not sure when that happened.

Growing up my father was an alcoholic and my mom submissive to his angry wrath. Where was God then? They separated when I was 15. God wasn't there for me during this time either. I remember being sexually abused from the time I was 3 or 4 years old to the time I was 15. God didn't prevent that from happening to one of his children. When I was strong enough to deal with the abuse and took my abuser to court, the jury found there wasn't enough evidence. Where was God's help there? My abuser continues to be a huge part of the church...why does God continue to let that happen? My 18 year old niece, who was giving, selfless, thoughtful and didn't even have the chance to do any wrong is taken away from our family and still no God. I don't understand it, but I'm trying to and want to.

My mom strongly believes in God. In a discussion we had about me being abused as a child she mentioned that God gave man freewill. That it isn't God's fault that what he did with his own freewill was wrong. Then take the freewill back! So many people feel Andrianna around them, feel she's safe with God, that she's given them signs. Why don't I? I try to grasp at things. The doorbell has rung 3 times without anyone being there and we joked that it was Andrianna. I want to believe she's around me...that she can hear me talking to her. I need to see it to believe it though. Maybe not physically see it but somehow recognize that she's here. And I don't. Of course she's here in my thoughts, in my heart and I'm flooded with memories of her.

I suppose I can talk forever about why. I'm the kind of person who likes answers. If no one knows the answer I try to find them. I'm just not satisfied with part stories or part answers. Is that why it's so hard for me to believe in God? I guess I will just keep searching for the answer....