Things didn't start off too well this Christmas day. This morning at 5 am I had to go to the bathroom and was walking down the stairs and slipped, hitting my back on the stairs and then landing on my butt on the tile floor at the bottom. I somehow also got rug burn on my elbow in the process. Needless to say my back is bruised and my tailbone is in excruciating pain. Now it's 11p.m. at night and I'm still in pain but not only my back but everywhere. I feel like a complete klutz!

John and I spent the morning relaxing and then we started to rebuild the computer. Nothing special really. The computer has been acting up lately and running really slow so we thought it was time to clean it out and reinstall everything.

Memories are flooding my thoughts, my heart, my whole being. I'm trying really hard to remain in control and to not break down. I miss her but the pain is so hard to work through, so hard to manage. I just want to crawl into bed and hide beneath my blankets and not come out. I feel guilty carrying on, like I'm somehow betraying her. I want to believe in so many things but I just don't know what to believe in anymore. I want to believe she can hear me talking to her. that she's around me and that she shares what I'm feeling. To tell you the truth though I don't know what to believe in anymore. I don't even know if I believe in God anymore either, but that discussion is for another day...my complicated relationship with God that is.

In the afternoon we went over to John's parents for Christmas dinner. It was sooo delicious! I love turkey. John and I had bought dessert from Goodies and they were delicious as well. We opened gifts, played cards and had an enjoyable evening. I did my best to be as comfortable as possible but as the night progressed so did the pain in my back.