I have so many regrets. I'd like to learn how to live without any regrets. How do you live without any regrets? I wonder if I could have done more for my niece Andrianna. Could I have researched more...asked more questions...was more aggressive to find the answers? It just seemed like there was a wall every time I would ask too many questions. Like the answer was always, "Everything that could be done, was done." I honestly don't think I did enough. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. Somehow I feel like I have let Andrianna down. The day before she passed she was having a tough time breathing and she grabbed my arm and was pointing to her throat and motioning up and down. I asked her, "Are you having a hard time breathing?" She shook her head "yes" so hard. She had already lost the ability to talk. I was so scared and I ran to get a nurse to ease her discomfort. I keep replaying this same scene in my mind. Is dying the way she did somewhat like drowning...where you can't speak and can't breath? They gave her more drugs and that seemed to ease her discomfort.

I also wonder if it was the cancer that killed her or if she died of an overdose of pain meds. They were pumping her with so many pain meds non stop. It's like she was doped up too much.

I didn't really get anytime alone with her. Everyone was visiting or sitting in the room with her. In the end it was too much for me, watching my full of life niece lay there lifeless...it wasn't really her. My whole body is just aching from thinking about this all. I can really feel my heart break, I think about it all the time and don't think that I will ever "get past" this. I will never again say that to someone who has lost someone close to them....it will never get easier. Time will not heal this wound.