My Father...

My father passed away 3 years ago today. Even though my father wasn't the greatest 'dad' he was all I had and I'm drawn to his good things about him more than I am to his bad. I didn't know much about his life as a child, teen or young adult, and although we become adults and we are in charge of our own lives, our past in some way or another creeps up on us and comes out in who we are as adults. My dad was angry, in-charge, and I was fearful of him. I was drawn towards him though and loved spending time with him, wanting to please him. I remember him taking me to the beach, to toboggan runs, on picnics with the family, and so much more. My fondest memory of my dad is him taking me to be his 'helper' when he went to help his buddies build their garages. I remember going on more then 10 of these excursions with my dad. I wish I knew where these garages were now because somewhere inside them is my hand or footprint with my name next to it.

I missed my father even before he passed as we were estranged. We stopped speaking in 1996 or I should say he stopped speaking to me. I was hurt but I understood why he stopped talking to me. My father believed that family problems are dealt with within the family only. I chose to go against that and my father couldn't see my side. I had hoped that he would one day change his mind, that he would come around and give me a call...that never happened. I felt guilty after he passed for the longest time because I could have easily have called him. I was stubborn and I had learned that from the best. I felt this was his bridge to cross and that I was just to wait. Well one thing that I learned is that if you want to get somewhere in any relationship you have to work on it together. I can just learn from my mistakes.

I remember taking Andrianna to visit my dad once when she was here for a visit from Saskatchewan. Andrianna must have been 5 years old. My dad had this old Power Ranger toy that he gave to her to keep. She wouldn't stop talking about that Power Ranger for weeks on end. When Andrianna was in the hospital and we were talking about who she would see when she passed away she said that she would thank her grandfather for the Power Ranger. It surprised me that she remembered that toy. It's amazing how people remember the little acts of kindness. Actually it wasn't amazing at all for her...just the person she was. I went to the cemetery that evening and talked to my grandparents and my father at their graves. I asked if they could take care of Andy when she got there. I asked my grandfather to play cards with her (he loved playing cards) because she loved playing games. I asked my father to welcome her and spend time with her and talk to her about when we were kids cause she liked stories. I asked my grandmother who endlessly rubbed my back to rub Andrianna's back to make her feel better. I then begged all of them to see what they could do about maybe not taking Andrianna just yet as I wasn't ready to let her go. I'm a complete mess now from crying so I will end for tonight.